Coffee humor to perk up your day
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Posted on | July 14, 2010 | No Comments
We thought we’d lighten things up this week with a little bit of coffee humor. Jonesin’ for some funnies? Well, here you go!
A man walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, “Coffee, double cream, sugar.” No cup appeared. Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should have been, the machine turned off. “Now that’s real automation,” the man exclaimed. “This thing even drinks it for you!”
*****
Freddie was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right. Unfortunately, he wasn’t especially bright. He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first task was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the thermos. “Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” he said. The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.” “Good,” Freddie said. “Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”
*****
One morning, a grandmother was surprised to find that her 7-year-old grandson had made her coffee! Smiling, she choked down the worst cup of her life. When she finished, she found three little green Army men at the bottom. Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these Army men doing in my coffee?” Her grandson answered, “Like it says on TV, Grandma. ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.’
And know for some real groaners …(or sound we call them grinders?):
How do you know coffee beans are juvenile?
They’re always getting grounded.
*****
A man went to his psychiatrist and said, “Every time I drink my coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye,” the psychiatrist said, “well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
*****
A man says to his wife: “Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. “
His wife replies: “That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning. “
*****
This guy walks into a coffee shop and asks the waitress: “How much is the coffee?”
“Coffee is three dollars,” the waitress says. “How much is a refill?” the man asks.
“Free, “says the waitress. “Then I’ll take a refill!”
*****
A man in a coffee shop calls the waiter over and says, “Waiter, this coffee is cold.”
The waiter says, “Oh, I’m glad you told me. Iced coffee costs a dollar more.”
*****
And finally…our Top Ten Signs that you drink too much coffee:
- You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
- All your children are named Joe.
- You don’t sweat, you percolate.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
- Your life’s goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
- You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
- You’d be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
- Your three favorite things in life are…coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
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Why do you drink coffee?
- I don't drink coffee (67%)
- For the flavor (love it!) (33%)
- For the energy (0%)
- It's something to do (0%)
- For health reasons (0%)
- Other (0%)
Total Voters: 3
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